How to write a eulogy, step by step

Writing a eulogy is easier when you break it into small jobs. You don't have to sit down and write something moving from the first line. You need to collect some memories, decide which ones to use, put them in a sensible order and then read it aloud until it sounds like you.

This page takes you through that process. If you'd find it useful to see a finished eulogy first, read our eulogy examples. For an overview of the whole thing, including the day itself, see the eulogy guide.

Step 1: Find out the practical details

Before you write anything, ask the family or funeral director how long you have to speak and whether anyone else is giving a tribute. If there are other speakers, agree who will cover which part of the person's life. Ask whether the service is religious, and whether there is anything the family would like you to include or leave out.

Knowing your time limit makes every later decision easier. At a normal speaking pace, five minutes is about 650 words. There are more timings in how long should a eulogy be?

Step 2: Gather memories

Open a notes app or grab a pad of paper and write down everything that comes to mind. Don't sort it or worry about sentences. Some questions that help:

• Where did they grow up, and what did they say about their childhood?
• What work did they do, and what were they proud of?
• How did they meet their partner? What was their family life like?
• What would they be doing on a typical Saturday?
• What did they always say? What did they always cook, wear or carry?
• What made them laugh, and what made them cross?
• When did they help you, or someone you know, without being asked?
• What will you miss about an ordinary day with them?

Then ask other people. Brothers and sisters, old friends, neighbours and colleagues will each have a story you don't. A short message such as "I'm doing Mum's eulogy - is there a memory you'd like me to include?" usually gets lovely replies. Looking through photos and old cards can bring things back too.

Step 3: Choose what the eulogy is about

Look over your notes and ask yourself what the people at the funeral would say about this person if you asked them to describe them in a sentence. Pick two or three qualities that come up again and again, such as generosity or a daft sense of humour.

For each one, find a small story or detail that shows it. Those pairings will become the middle of your eulogy. Anything in your notes that doesn't fit can be left out. It will feel like you are leaving out too much, and that is normal. A eulogy that tries to include everything tends to feel like a list.

Step 4: Put it in order

This shape works for most eulogies, and it is easy for people to follow:

1. Thank people for coming and say who you are
2. A short account of their life, in the order it happened
3. The qualities you have chosen, each with a story
4. The people they loved, and thanks to anyone who cared for them
5. A simple goodbye

Some people prefer to open with a memory and then go back to the life story. Either works. If you want the gaps laid out for you, use the eulogy template.

Step 5: Write a rough first draft

Write the whole thing quickly, without stopping to fix it. Write as if you were telling a friend about them over a cup of tea. Use their name, the names of places, and the words they used. Short sentences are easier to read out when you're emotional.

If you get stuck, try saying the next part out loud and writing down what you said.

Step 6: Write the opening

The first few lines only need to tell people who you are and why you are speaking. Some examples:

• "Thank you all for coming. I'm David, Joan's son, and I'd like to tell you a little about Mum."
• "For those who don't know me, I'm Aisha. I worked alongside Pete for nineteen years, and he was one of my closest friends."
• "I'm Ella, and Bill was my grandad. He'd be amazed to see so many of you here, and a bit embarrassed."

Step 7: Write the ending

Keep the ending short and personal. Many people speak directly to the person who has died, which can feel natural even at a non-religious service.

• "Mum, thank you for everything. We love you and we'll miss you every day."
• "Night night, Grandad. Save us a seat at the bar."
• "He always ended a phone call with 'right, I'll let you go'. So, Dad, we'll let you go now."

Step 8: Read it aloud and edit

Read the draft out loud, standing up, and time it. You'll hear the sentences that are too long and the words you stumble over. Cut anything that runs you over time, starting with repeated points and extra detail in the life story.

Check every name, date and place with a family member. It's easy to get a year or a street name wrong, and someone at the funeral will notice. It is also kind to show the final version to the closest family so nothing in it takes them by surprise.

Step 9: Get it ready for the day

Print the eulogy in a large, clear font, around 16 to 18 point, with wide line spacing and numbered pages. Mark places to pause if that helps you. Read it aloud several more times over the following days, as each run-through makes the emotional parts easier to say.

Give a copy to the celebrant or a trusted friend, so someone can step in if you need them to. Take water and a tissue up with you. When you start, speak more slowly than feels natural, look up now and then, and don't worry if your voice wobbles. People will be glad it's you.

If you're writing for a parent, there are guides with full examples for your mum and your dad.