Being asked to give the eulogy for a friend is an honour, and it can also feel like a lot of responsibility. You will be speaking in front of their family, who knew them in a different way, and you may be speaking for a whole group of friends as well as yourself. This page covers how to handle that and what to include, with a full example at the end.
For the general process, see how to write a eulogy. If you only have a few minutes at the service or the wake, the funeral speeches page covers shorter tributes.
When a friend is asked to speak
Families ask a friend for several reasons. The children or partner may feel they can't get through it. The person may have had no close family left. Or the family may simply feel that a friend knew a side of them that ought to be heard, such as the young man who played in a band or the woman who ran the netball team for thirty years.
Whatever the reason, it helps to say near the start that the family asked you to speak. People then know who you are and why you are there, and it shows respect to the family.
Working with the family
Talk to the family before you write anything. Ask what they would like you to cover and whether anything should be left out. They may want you to concentrate on your friendship and leave the family history to someone else, or they may want you to tell the whole story of the person's life.
Check the facts with them, especially dates and the names of children and grandchildren. Then show them the finished eulogy a few days before the funeral. Nobody at a funeral should be hearing something about their own mum or dad for the first time that upsets them.
Speaking for a group of friends
If you are one of a group, such as old school friends, a football team, a band or a group from work, ask the others for their memories. A message in the group chat or a quick phone round is usually enough. You won't be able to use everything, so choose the stories that show different sides of the person, and mention by name the friends who can't be there.
Stories the family may not know
Friends often know things that the family never heard about. It might be something daft they did when they were eighteen, or a kindness they did quietly and never mentioned. These stories can mean a great deal to the family, because they show their mum, dad, husband or wife from a new angle.
Before you include one, ask yourself whether the family will be glad to hear it. If you aren't sure, ask them. Leave out old relationships and anything that would make the person look foolish. If they told you something in confidence, keep it that way.
Questions to help you get started
- How and where did you first meet?
- What did you do together, week in and week out?
- What is the funniest thing that happened when you were together?
- When did they help you, or someone you know?
- What were they like with their own family?
- What will you miss about them on an ordinary day?
Example eulogy for a friend
This example is read by an eighty-four-year-old man about his friend of nearly seventy years. The two of them played in a band together as young men. Ken's children asked Bryn to speak because he had known their dad longest. It runs to about four minutes. There is a different example, for a best friend, on the eulogy examples page.
Good morning, everyone. My name is Bryn Hughes, and Ken Pritchard was my friend for sixty-eight years. Rhian and Mark asked me if I would say a few words about their dad, and I'm very proud to do it. I'm also speaking for Alun and Des, who were in the band with us. Des is here today. Alun is in Ruthin and couldn't travel, but he rang me last night to make sure I got the names of the songs right.
I met Ken in 1958, when we were both sixteen and starting as apprentices at the Brymbo steelworks. He was fitting and I was electrical, and on the first morning he asked me if I could play anything. I said I could manage a bit of guitar. He said he had a drum kit in his mam's front room in Rhos, and that was that.
We called ourselves the Offa Four. For about six years we played every church hall and working men's club between Wrexham and Oswestry. We were never famous, and we were never very good, but Ken kept time like a clock and he never missed a Saturday. He carried that drum kit on the bus, piece by piece, until he saved up for a van. The van was worse than the bus.
It was at one of those dances, at the Drill Hall in 1963, that he first saw Glenys. He told me at the interval that he was going to marry her. He did, two years later, and I was his best man. They had fifty-four years together, and I don't think he ever looked at anyone else in all that time.
Rhian and Mark, there's something I want you to know that I'm not sure your dad ever told you. In 1987, when my wife Eirlys was having her treatment at Clatterbridge, I had lost my licence after a problem with my eyes. Every Tuesday and Friday for eight months, your dad left work early, picked us up and drove us there and back. He never took a penny for petrol, and when I tried to thank him he told me to stop going on. Eirlys never forgot it, and neither have I.
Ken loved Wrexham AFC through thick and thin, and there was a lot of thin. He'd been going to the Racecourse since he was eight. When the club was bought a few years ago and it all went a bit Hollywood, he pretended not to be bothered. Then he watched every episode twice.
After Glenys passed, it was his grandchildren who kept him going. Every Sunday he'd have Cerys and Owain round, and he'd get the snare drum down from the loft and let them bash away at it until Rhian came to take them home.
I'll miss our Thursdays at the Turf, the two of us with half a bitter each, putting the world right. I'll miss him ringing to tell me the score when I was sitting in the same stand as him.
Ken, thank you for sixty-eight years of friendship. Nos da, old friend.
Why it works: Bryn explains straight away why he is speaking and who else he is speaking for. He gives the family a story they didn't know, told plainly and checked with them beforehand. The rest of the eulogy covers Ken's work, his marriage, his football and his grandchildren, and it ends with an image from the band.
Ways to end a eulogy for a friend
- "Thank you for being my friend. I'll keep your seat warm."
- "On behalf of all of us who were lucky enough to call you a mate, goodbye, and thank you."
- "Rhian and Mark, you can ring any of us, any time. Your dad would have wanted that."
If you are speaking about a relative, see the guides for a eulogy for your brother and a eulogy for your sister. There is also a eulogy template and advice on how long a eulogy should be.
Common questions
Why would the family ask a friend to give the eulogy?
Sometimes the family feel too upset to speak, or they want someone who knew him or her outside the family. A friend of many years may also remember a part of their life that the children never saw, such as their younger days or their working life.
How do I start a eulogy for a friend?
Say who you are and how you knew them, for example "I'm Bryn, and Ken was my friend for nearly seventy years." It helps to mention that the family asked you to speak, so people understand why you are standing there.
Can I tell stories the family might not know?
Yes, and they are often the most treasured part of the eulogy. Run them past the family first. Leave out anything that could hurt or embarrass them, and anything the person would have wanted kept private.
I'm speaking for a whole group of friends. How do I include everyone?
Ask each of them for a memory or a phrase that sums the person up, then choose a few that fit together. Name the group once near the start, so people know you are speaking for more than yourself.