If you have lost your husband, wife or partner, the funeral may be arriving at a time when you can barely think. Writing a eulogy is a lot to ask of anyone in that state. This page is here to make it a little easier. It covers whether to speak yourself, how to write when everything is so raw, and what to include. There is a full example at the end.
For the general process, see how to write a eulogy. If time is short, the eulogy template gives you a simple structure to fill in.
Speaking yourself, or having someone read your words
Some people feel strongly that they want to stand up and speak about their husband or wife. For them, it is the last thing they can do for the person they loved, and they manage it, sometimes with pauses. Others know from the start that they won't be able to. Both choices are right. Nobody at the funeral will judge you for either.
If you would like your words heard but don't want to read them, you can ask one of your children, a close friend or the celebrant to read them for you. They can say at the start that you wrote it, for example "These are Malcolm's words about Carol." The eulogy can still be written in your voice, using "I" and "we".
A middle way is to start reading yourself, with someone next to you holding a copy. If you need to stop, you hand it over and they carry on. Many people find that knowing someone is there makes it easier to get through.
Writing while newly bereaved
Grief makes it hard to concentrate, and you may find you can only manage ten minutes at a time. That's fine. Keep a notebook or a note on your phone, and write down memories whenever they come to you, even if it's at three in the morning. After a few days you will have more than enough.
Let other people help. Your children and your partner's friends can tell you stories and check dates. Someone else can type it up and print it in a large font. You can also have someone help you turn your notes into a finished eulogy. Speechmade does this with AI, from your answers to a set of questions, and you can change anything it writes.
Keep it short. Two to four minutes is enough, and nobody will expect more from you. The page on how long a eulogy should be has word counts if you'd like a guide.
What to include
- A brief outline of their life before you met, such as where they grew up and what work they did.
- How you met, and what you first noticed about them.
- What your life together was like on an ordinary day.
- The things they loved, and the things they did for other people.
- What they were like as a parent or grandparent, if they were one.
- A thank you to anyone who cared for them, if you'd like to include it.
Including the children
If you have children, whether they are young or grown up, think about how they fit into the eulogy. You might describe your husband or wife as a parent, or speak to the children directly. Older children may want to add their own memory, or to speak separately. For stepchildren, or children from an earlier marriage, name them warmly alongside everyone else.
Long marriages and shorter ones
If you were married for fifty years or more, you won't be able to fit it all in, so choose a few moments from different decades. Your children and grandchildren can help you remember which stories matter most to the family.
If you were together for a shorter time, perhaps because you met later in life or because they died young, say so simply and speak about what those years meant. People in the room may have known your partner far longer than you did, from school or an earlier marriage. It is kind to acknowledge that, and you can leave the earlier parts of their life to a family member or friend if you'd rather.
Example eulogy for a wife, written by her husband
This example was written by a husband for his wife after sixteen years together. They met later in life, and she had two grown-up children from her first marriage. It is about three minutes long. He read it himself, with his stepdaughter standing beside him. There is also an example written by a wife for her husband on the eulogy examples page.
Thank you all for being here. I'm Malcolm, Carol's husband. Rachel is standing next to me in case I need her, so if I stop, she'll carry on.
Carol was born in Exeter in 1956 and grew up in Heavitree, where her dad ran the corner shop. She taught at a primary school in St Thomas for thirty-one years, mostly in Year 2. I've lost count of the grown adults who have stopped us in the high street to tell her she was the reason they learned to read.
Many of you knew Carol for much longer than I did. Jamie and Rachel, you knew her all your lives, and I know that today is as hard for you as it is for me.
We met in 2010 on a walking group trip to Haytor. I was fifty-two and had turned up in the wrong boots. She lent me a pair of thick socks and spent the whole walk telling me what the tors were called. I went on the next walk to give the socks back, and I kept going on walks after that.
We were married in 2012, with Jamie and Rachel as our witnesses. We had sixteen years together. I would have liked many more, but I'm grateful for every one of them.
Carol swam in the sea at Exmouth all year round, including on Boxing Day, which I watched from the beach with a flask. She did the crossword in pen. She never missed an Exeter Chiefs home game, and she knew far more about the scrum than I ever will. Our spaniel, Pepper, followed her from room to room and is still waiting by the door for her now.
On Friday nights we had fish and chips from the place by the quay in Topsham and ate them on the wall, looking out at the river. She always gave Pepper the last chip, even though she said every week that she wouldn't.
She was a wonderful grandmother to Jamie's boys, Harvey and Leo. She taught them both to read before they started school, which will surprise nobody here.
I want to thank the team at Hospiscare, who looked after Carol and all of us with such kindness.
Every evening she would ask me, "What was the best bit of your day?" For sixteen years the answer was her. Thank you, Carol. I love you.
Why it works: it is short and clear, and it honours the people who knew her before he did. The small details, like the socks and the swimming, give a real picture of her, and the ending uses a habit of hers to say what he felt.
You can also read the guides to a eulogy for your mum and a eulogy for your dad, which your children may find useful if they want to speak too.
Common questions
Should I give the eulogy for my husband or wife myself?
Only if you want to. Some people find it helps to speak, and others know it would be too much. Both are completely normal. You can write the words and ask a family member, a friend or the celebrant to read them for you.
What if I start and can't carry on?
Agree beforehand that someone will stand near you with a copy of the eulogy. If you need to stop, hand it over and they can read the rest. Nobody in the room will think any less of you, and many people plan it this way from the start.
How do I write a eulogy when I'm so newly bereaved?
Don't try to write it in one go. Jot down memories as they come to you over a few days, ask family and friends for theirs, and keep it short. Three minutes is plenty. Using a template or a tool to put your notes into shape is fine.
Should the eulogy mention our children?
Yes, if you have them. Speak about how your husband or wife was as a parent, and say something to the children directly if that feels right. Ask them first whether they would like to be named, or whether they would like to take part.