Losing a brother takes away someone who has been there for most of your life. You shared a bedroom or a back seat, you fought over the telly, and you probably expected to grow old together. When you are asked to speak at his funeral, it can be hard to know where to begin, because so much of what you remember happened when you were both children.
This page covers what to think about when writing a eulogy for your brother, some questions to get you started and a full example. For the general process, see how to write a eulogy, and for timings see how long a eulogy should be.
Start with what you shared
You knew your brother before anyone else in the room apart from your parents. That is the part of the eulogy only you can give. Think about the house you grew up in, the holidays you went on, the games you played and the things you argued about. A story about the two of you as kids often tells people more about the man he became than a list of his achievements would.
After that, move on to his adult life: his work, his friends, his partner and his children if he had them. Friends and workmates will know a side of him you may not have seen, so it is worth asking them for a story or two.
Questions to help you get started
- What is your earliest memory of him?
- What did you fight about as children, and what did you team up against?
- What was he like as a teenager?
- What work did he do, and what was he proud of?
- Who were his mates, and what did they get up to?
- How did he meet his partner?
- What was he like as a dad or an uncle?
- What did he always say to you, or always do when he saw you?
Things to think about
Your parents. If your mum or dad is still alive, they will probably be in the front row, and losing a child is one of the hardest things anyone goes through. Talk to them before you write. They may want a particular memory included, or they may prefer that you keep some things private. A line that speaks to them directly, such as "Mum and Dad, he knew how much you loved him," can mean a great deal.
His partner and children. If he was married or had a long-term partner, the eulogy belongs to them as much as to you. Show them a draft and ask what they would like said. If he had children, speak about him as a dad, and remember that younger children will hear every word. You might tell them something about their dad they didn't know, which gives them a story to keep.
When he died younger than he should have. People at the funeral will be feeling how unfair it is. It is fine to say that once, in plain words, for example "Lee was forty-four, and we all expected him to be here for a lot longer." There is no need to describe how he died. Keep the focus on the years he did have and the people he leaves behind.
Humour. Brothers and sisters tend to have the funniest stories, and if he liked a laugh, people will be glad to hear them. Choose stories that show his character, check them with his partner, and leave out anything that would embarrass his children.
Other brothers and sisters. If there are several of you, decide together who will speak. Some families have one person read a eulogy that everyone has contributed to. Others have two or three short tributes. The funeral speeches page covers shorter tributes and readings.
Example eulogy for a brother
This example is read by a younger sister. Her brother died at forty-four, and his parents, partner and two children were at the service. It runs to about four minutes and has some gentle humour, because the family wanted people to remember how funny he was.
Thank you all for coming. I'm Gemma, Lee's little sister. Mum and Dad, Nicola, Mia and Tyler have asked me to say a few words about him, and I'm going to do my best.
Lee was born in Middlesbrough in 1982, and I came along three years later. We grew up on a street in Acklam where everybody knew everybody, and Lee knew them better than most. By the age of eight he was running errands for half the pensioners on the road, mainly because Mrs Dobson next door paid him in Wagon Wheels.
As a big brother, he was brilliant and annoying in roughly equal amounts. He hid my Barbies in the loft for most of 1991, and he told me the ice cream van played music when it had run out. I believed him until I was nine. But when a lad at school pushed me off my bike, Lee went round to his house and had a word, and nobody bothered me again.
He left school at sixteen and went to work at the steelworks at Redcar with Dad. When that closed he retrained as an electrician, and he was proud of that. He'd go quiet if anyone mentioned the steelworks, but he'd talk for an hour about a fuse board.
Lee met Nicola at a friend's thirtieth in Stockton. He told us that night he'd met the girl he was going to marry. Nicola says he spent most of the evening explaining the offside rule to her. They were together fourteen years, and I've never seen two people laugh so much.
Then Mia came along, and then Tyler, and Lee became the dad he was always going to be. Mia, he was at every one of your dance shows, even the three-hour one in Darlington. Tyler, he taught you to kick a ball before you could properly walk, and he told everyone you'd play for the Boro one day. I want you both to know that he talked about you constantly. His phone was full of photos of you and hardly anything else.
He loved the Boro, of course. He had a season ticket at the Riverside for twenty years, and he never once left early, even in the seasons when it might have been kinder to. On Sunday mornings he'd take the dog to Saltburn and walk the length of the beach, whatever the weather, and then have a bacon sandwich on the pier.
Lee was forty-four. None of us expected to be standing here, and I don't think any of us really believe it yet. Mum and Dad, he knew how much you loved him, because he told me so, more than once.
The last time I saw him, he gave me a lift home and waited outside until I'd got the door open, the way he always did. So, Lee, I'm in. You can go now. We love you, and we'll look after them for you.
Why it works: it starts with childhood, which only his sister could tell, and moves through his work and family in a natural order. It says once, plainly, that he died young, speaks directly to his parents and his children, and finishes with a small habit of his that turns into the goodbye.
Ways to end a eulogy for your brother
- "Thanks for being my big brother. I'll keep an eye on the kids for you, and I'll make sure they know who you were."
- "He always finished a phone call with 'right, I'll let you go.' So, Lee, I'll let you go. We love you."
- "Goodnight, our kid. We'll see you when we see you."
There is a companion guide for a eulogy for your sister, and one for a eulogy for a friend if you have been asked to speak for his mates. You can also find more eulogy examples and a template.
Common questions
How do I start a eulogy for my brother?
Thank everyone for coming and say who you are, for example "I'm Gemma, Lee's little sister." Many people then go straight to a memory of growing up together, because that is the part of his life you know better than anyone else in the room.
Should I talk about how young he was?
It is usually right to acknowledge it once, simply and gently, because everyone in the room is feeling it. You don't need to explain what happened or keep coming back to it. Spend most of the eulogy on the life he had.
My brother had a partner and children. Should they approve the eulogy?
It is a good idea to show his partner a draft, and to ask whether there is anything they would like included or left out. If his children are young, think about what they will hear and remember, and keep anything difficult out of it.
Can I include funny stories about my brother?
Yes, if he was a funny man or liked a laugh at his own expense. Brothers and sisters often have the best stories. Keep them kind, avoid anything that would embarrass his partner or his children, and check them with the family first.
What if I can't get through it on the day?
Ask someone in advance, perhaps a cousin, a friend or the celebrant, to have a copy and be ready to take over. Most people manage better than they expect, especially if they have read it aloud several times beforehand.