Best man speech structure and how to write it

Most best men find the writing harder than the speaking. The trick is to separate the two jobs. First you collect far more material than you need. Then you pick the best of it and put it into a shape the room will recognise. The shape is the easy part, because nearly every UK best man speech follows the same one.

The structure

1. Thanks on behalf of the bridesmaids. The groom usually toasts the bridesmaids at the end of his speech. If he has, reply on their behalf with a sentence or two about how well they've done. Otherwise skip it.
2. Introduce yourself. Say your name and how you know the groom. Half the guests won't know you.
3. An opening line. Something light that gets the first smile and settles your nerves.
4. How you met. A short story about the first time you met the groom, with a detail that shows what he was like.
5. Two or three stories. The main part of the speech. Each one should show something true about him, and at least one should show his kinder side.
6. His partner and the couple. Something sincere about the person he's marrying, by name, and what they are like together.
7. The toast. Ask everyone to stand and raise a glass to the couple.

Some best men also read one or two messages from guests who couldn't come, usually after the introduction. If you'd like the structure with gaps to fill in, use the best man speech template.

Step 1: Talk to the couple

Before you write anything, ask the groom and his partner a few questions. How long would they like you to speak? Will the speeches be before or after the wedding breakfast? Is there a toastmaster? Is the groom toasting the bridesmaids? And most important of all, is there anything or anyone they would like you to avoid? It might be a family fall-out, a job he lost or a relative who has recently died. Ask now, so you don't find out from the look on someone's face on the day.

Step 2: Gather stories

Start with your own memories. Sit down with a notepad or your phone and write down everything you can think of about the groom, in any order. How you met, holidays, jobs, football, cars, flats, bad haircuts, the things he always says. Don't judge any of it yet.

Then ask other people, because they know parts of his life you don't. A short message works well, such as "I'm doing the best man speech for Sam. What's the one story you'd tell about him?" Good people to ask include:

• His mum and dad, for stories from when he was small
• His brothers and sisters, who will know the embarrassing but harmless ones
• His oldest friends from school or university
• People he works with, who see a side of him the rest of you don't
• His partner, who will tell you what they love about him and what's off limits

The stag do is a good place to collect stories too, as long as you choose carefully. Listen out for the stories his friends tell each other over the weekend. They are often better than the ones you planned.

Step 3: Choose the stories

You'll end up with far more than you need. Look through your notes and ask what each story shows about him. The best stories say something true. If his friends all say he's hopelessly competitive, find the story that shows it most clearly. If he's the one who always looks after everyone, find the moment that proves it.

Aim for two or three stories in a five-minute speech. Pick ones that show different sides of him, and make sure at least one leaves the room thinking well of him. For prompts, see best man speech ideas, opening lines and jokes.

Stories that work

• How you met, especially if there's a detail that sums him up
• A habit everyone recognises, such as always being late or planning everything
• A disaster that ended well, like a holiday where everything went wrong
• A time he helped you or someone else, told plainly
• The day he first talked about his partner
• A family story his mum or dad gave you, which will get a knowing laugh from them

Stories to avoid

• Anything involving exes
• Heavy drinking, being sick or ending up in A&E after a night out
• Anything from the stag that you'd have to tone down to tell
• Stories that make his partner or their family look bad
• Money, debts or anything about the cost of the wedding
• In-jokes that need a paragraph of explanation
• Anything he told you in confidence

Step 4: Write a first draft

Put the stories into the structure above and write it all out in full. Write the way you talk. If you'd never say "it gives me great pleasure" in the pub, don't put it in the speech. Short sentences are easier to say when you're nervous.

Tell each story with real details. Saying he's always been a bit disorganised is fine. Telling the room he once turned up to a job interview at Meadowhall with one black shoe and one brown one, and got the job, gives people a picture to laugh at. Names of places, pets, teams and food bring a speech to life.

Start each story as close to the good part as you can. Then finish it with a line that brings it back to the groom, so the room knows why you told it. For example, after the shoe story you might add "And that's Sam. Things go wrong around him all the time, and they nearly always work out."

When you reach the part about his partner, be sincere and specific. Say when you first met them and what you've noticed in the groom since. If you're writing for two grooms or two brides, the section is the same. It's the part of the speech the families will remember best.

Step 5: Edit it

Leave the draft for a day, then read it with fresh eyes. Cut anything that repeats a point you've already made. Check it against the time you've been given, at about 130 words a minute. If it's long, drop a story before you trim the part about the couple. There's more on cutting in how long should a best man speech be.

Step 6: Test it on someone

Read it to one person who knows both families, such as a sibling of the groom or a close friend of the couple. Ask them one question: is there anything in here that would upset anyone? They'll know things you don't, such as which aunt doesn't like swearing or which story his partner has heard a hundred times.

Step 7: Rehearse

Read it aloud at least five or six times in the weeks before the wedding. You'll find sentences that look fine on paper and are hard to say, so change them. Time yourself once or twice. Practise pausing after the funny lines, because nerves make everyone rush. Try it standing up, holding the paper or cards you'll use on the day.

Print the final version in a large font, or on cue cards with a few lines each. Keep a spare copy on your phone or with an usher. On the day, go easy on the drink until you've spoken.