How to write wedding vows

Writing vows can feel like a big job, because you are putting the most important things you feel into a minute or two of words. It is easier when you break it into small steps. This page takes you from a blank page to vows you can read at the ceremony. Give yourself a few sittings over a couple of weeks, and don't expect the first version to be the final one.

Before you start, check the basics with your registrar, minister or celebrant: whether personal vows are allowed, where they come in the ceremony, and whether they need to see them in advance. The wedding vows guide explains how personal vows sit alongside the legal words in a UK ceremony.

Step 1: Brainstorm

Get everything down on paper first, in any order. Don't try to write sentences yet. Notes and half-phrases are fine. These questions help:

• Where and how did you meet? What do you remember about that day?
• When did you know you wanted to marry them?
• What do they do that nobody else does, such as how they make your tea or talk to the dog?
• What have they done for you that you won't forget?
• What do you do together on an ordinary Sunday?
• What would your friends say you are like as a couple?

Look for small, specific things. "You're so kind" is true of lots of people. "You drove across the city at midnight to bring me my inhaler" could only be about one person. If you get stuck, scroll back through old photos and messages on your phone.

Step 2: Choose your promises

Promises are the heart of your vows. Write a long list of things you want to promise, then pick the ones that matter most. Some will be the big ones about sticking together and being honest. Others can be about everyday life, such as always making the first coffee or letting them have the window seat.

Aim for three to six promises in total. Put any light ones in the middle, and keep a serious one for last so the vows end on something sincere. Only promise what you mean. Your partner will remember.

Step 3: Use a simple shape

This order works for almost everyone:

1. A memory. One or two sentences about how you met, or the moment you knew.
2. What you love about them. Two or three small, specific things.
3. Your promises. One to a sentence, so they are easy to say.
4. A closing line. Something short and simple, said straight to your partner. It can pick up the memory from the start.

Talk to your partner as "you" all the way through. Leave out thank-yous to guests and don't end with a toast. Those belong in the speeches at the wedding breakfast, which you can read about in the groom speech guide, the bride speech guide and the order of wedding speeches.

Step 4: Read them aloud

Vows are heard, so the test is how they sound. Read your draft out loud and change anything that feels awkward to say. Long sentences are hard to get through when your voice is shaky, so split them up. Swap formal words for the ones you would really use. If you would never say "my darling" at home, don't say it at the ceremony.

Time yourself. Most people speak at about 130 words a minute, so one minute is roughly 130 words and two minutes is roughly 260. Then put the vows away for a few days and read them again with fresh eyes.

Step 5: Agree the length with your partner

Talk to your partner before either of you finishes. Agree roughly how long your vows will be and whether you are both going for heartfelt, light or a bit of each. If one of you writes four minutes of poetry and the other says three lines, it can feel uneven for both of you. Something in the same range is enough, and a minute or two each is plenty.

Step 6: Decide whether to keep them secret

Some couples hear each other's vows for the first time at the ceremony, and love the surprise. Others would rather know what's coming so they can hold it together. Both are fine. If you're keeping them secret, you could ask a friend, the registrar or your celebrant to read both sets and check they are a similar length and tone.

On the day, read from a card or a small vow booklet in a clear, large font. Give a spare copy to someone you trust. Speak a little slower than feels natural, and look up at your partner between promises.

A short example

Hamza is an electrician, and he is marrying Lily, a midwife. They met on a train that broke down outside Hebden Bridge. He followed the steps above and kept his vows to about a minute.

You can see the shape: the train for the memory, two small things he loves, three promises and a closing line that goes back to the start. For longer versions, see the wedding vow examples.